Dear Christina,

I’ve never met you. But I figured it’s about time I write to you. I wish you hadn’t been a miscarriage.

You know, a year after you when Mom was pregnant with me, I almost killed her. She was so sick that she flew back to Taiwan so family could care for her. The Japanese airline she was flying with took one look at her and refused to let her board without signing a waiver. The waiver stated that if she passed away on the plane, the company wouldn’t be liable. Crazy, right?

You can see why our parents opted not to try for another child.

Thankfully Mom and I both survived my birth, so when I was two months old we flew back to the States, where I passed a very happy childhood. Dad worked very hard for years (and still does) to provide for our little family and ensure we grew up comfortably. Mom sacrificed her career to stay home and raise me. I will be eternally grateful to them both for all the love they poured into me, and to this day they are the two people that I respect the most in life. You’d adore them too, if you met them.

Sorry but when I was young, I loved being an only child- I got all our parents’ attention, and didn’t have to share a room or any of my toys with you. I observed my friends, most of whom constantly fought with their siblings, and decided I didn’t need you.

Once grown, though, I saw many of my friends actually had great relationships with their siblings, and I now envy that dearly. I always wonder what life would have been like with you around. I’ll never know.

You know what they say- personality’s determined by genetics, but also by environment. If we had grown up in the same house together, I think my personality might’ve been quite different.

I grew up very shy, and didn’t start to grow out of it until junior or senior year of high school, after years of being around schoolmates. I used to feel anxious on the ride to school. Maybe it was because of the social stress of being thrown into a crowd of kids, not knowing how I might be judged or treated. I wish we’d ridden in the car or the school bus together every morning. I wish I could’ve watched how you made friends at school, and said hi to you in the hallways between classes.

If I had grown up with you, we probably would’ve fought all the time. But then we would’ve made up. Sometimes after a few days, sometimes right away with a hug. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so afraid of conflict and confrontation, or have had so much fear of people.

If I had grown up with you, you would’ve shared your toys with me once you got a little older. And if we had a younger brother or sister, I would eventually have been forced to share with them, too. Maybe I wouldn’t be as selfish as I am now, having learned to share from a young age.

Not everything about being an only child is bad, though. My friends became like family, because aside from our parents, that was literally all I had. That’s probably why I have so many friends now, and find it ridiculously easy to make friends wherever I go.

Because I spent so much time alone, I learned to do things on my own. Occupy my time. Explore on my own. Maybe that’s why I’m so independent now. I’m not afraid to go out to eat an impromptu dinner by myself after a long day of work, or take a solo trip to a foreign country if no one wants to go with me.

I still really wish you could be here right now. I would have loved to be best friends with you. But I guess everything happens for a reason. Because I never knew you, I am who I am.

PS- Who knows, maybe one day I’ll get to meet you in heaven.

Love,

Kitty